Top Ten Worst Places to Stick Your Penis

10. The crack between a door and the wall
Although you would be hard pressed to find a more efficient way to decapitate your corduroy-commando, this action goes low on the list merely because of its simplicity.

9. Any animal cages at Pet land
Assuming that the staff dont catch you “preparing” for this act and escort you off the premises never to return; this act of self-deformation has potential for a creative way to dismember your member. You are guaranteed to pull back a stump that has been clawed bitten or torn to pieces if you pick the right animals and prod them accordingly.

8. Toaster
I’m not sure how many people ever looked at a toaster and wondered, “How much of my dick could I fit in there” well if you have then I hope you enjoy your cock toast. I do ask that if you attempt this daring deed of stupidity that you don’t press down the button that turns on the heat, because, well that would be silly. ONE more word of advice, if you do decide to consummate your favourite breakfast apparatus then please, don’t do it while in the bathtub because you could bring the situation from stupid to death, a subtle shift.

7. Wine corker
Just look at the picture and tell me this wouldn’t be as painful as sticking your dick into a wine corker… oh wait that’s exactly what its like.

6. Bear Trap
Bear Trap (noun) A trap for FUCKING BEARS. DO NOT INSERT PENIS!! DO NOT INSERT PENIS!!!. As if two serrated steel clamps ready to slam together and the release of a trigger right together onto anything unfortunate enough to set it off wasn’t enough of a warning sign, then there is the added knowledge that it was designed for mother fucking bears and it should therefore have no problem slicing clean through your junk.

5. Rail Road Tracks
Instead of wasting a perfectly good penis just go ahead and take out its abusive owner at the same time… its just as easy as taking a step… forward… onto the tracks, and awaiting sweet death.

4. Mechanical De-boner
Something that uses blades and knives to automatically remove the skeleton from meat is something that if you decide to put your penis into can take you from idiot to Darwin award in seconds.

By the way, no play on words was intended with the term “de-boner”.

3. That second little mouth of the alien queen
If you can even some up the balls to attempt this one then you deserve a medal of heroism.

2. Hillary Clinton
This might cause you to experience true to god physical pain.

1. Children
If you do not know why this is wrong then you shouldnt ever have a family.