We’ve all seen some totally bullshit ESRB advisories on the backs of our favourite games, but it really makes one wonder: “How stupid can this warnings even get?”. In the interest of science and revenge through biting sarcasm and ridicule I traveled over to the ESRB site today to find out exactly which warnings of theirs don’t make any fucking sense.

5. Mild suggestive themes
Not only are these themes suggestive, as in, merely referencing a theme and not even directly discussing it. These themes don’t even have the balls to even remotely somewhat suggest something that might indirectly correlate back towards what it is that you might possibly have been suggesting a little bit but not actually suggesting kind of. Let’s get this one a bit straighter than that last sentence did: Something is being suggested to your child, but it’s only suggestive, and not even fully suggesting that your child participate in this possible heinous act. Well not only is this thing being hinted at, it’s only somewhat being hinted at. This threat to your child isn’t just incredibly insignificant, it’s terribly confusing to try and fathom just how minuscule the warning implies.

4. Fantasy violence
What exactly does fantasy violence even imply? Is punching a goblin in the balls somehow different from doing the same thing to a human? Way to over-categorize ESRB moms, you’ve already got “Violence” and “Cartoon violence” do we really even need this third category? Does this rating somehow refer to magic being used as a weapon? If so, that’s pretty damn vague, you goddamn rating Nazis. Oh, I think I’ve got it, maybe Fantasy violence refers to violence that isn’t real. But then… how real is normal video game violence? Jesus tap-dancing Christ ESRB! If somehow who knows all about video games can’t figure out what the fuck you’re talking about, then how will somebody’s mom?

3. Mild fantasy violence
Now you’re just being a douche bag ESRB.

2. Comic mischief

Main Entry:
mis·chief
Function:
noun
14th century
1 a:

action that annoys or irritates

So this warning refers to cartoon characters. “Annoying and/or irritating” one another. Better watch the fuck out. After your child attempts to play a game labeled with this advisory, be sure not to let him/her anywhere near an ACME store, as they may begin eying the giant slingshots and catapults with renewed vigor.

1. Lyrics
It’s bad enough that just “Language” is one of the warnings because obviously language is dangerous and only gibberish is acceptable but Lyrics? that’s just ri-damn-diculous. I understand that by “lyrics” they refer to words in songs that could be dirty or rude and what not, but with ratings such as “mild lyrics” and “strong lyrics” what place is there for just “lyrics”. Should this imply that those are “medium lyrics”? Like how hot sauce can be either ‘mild’ or ‘reallyfuckinghot’? I assume, ESRB, that you mean that I should watch out for these medium strength lyrics… But the way you have presented it to me is such that I am supposed to believe that words have no place in music, only acoustic and instrumental songs plz, people might get confused and not know which part of the song to listen for.

Hope you enjoyed this countdown on the many ways the ESRB can put nonsensical bullshit on the back of your favourite games.